Canuck Gal

On Being Single at “29-and-holding”..

I am certain that most of them don’t mean to do it. The friends, the parents (especially the mothers), the aunts and uncles, the older brothers and sisters, the co-workers, etc… upon hearing that you (let’s call you a successful professional – a 30-something woman with above-average looks, intelligence, and personality) are single, the most hackneyed of cliches fall off their lips so easily.

Good Intentions..?

Little poison darts all wrapped up in the ignorant bubble-wrap of good intentions.

The comments are like different equations that all have the same answer – implying that you deserve pity for your single-hood, or that something is wrong with you for still being single, or that you aren’t getting any younger, or that you had better start looking if you want to have children, or that there’s no need to worry as there are “plenty of fish in the sea”, or a pathetic attempt at an unasked for reassurance along the lines of “there’s someone for everyone”, or my personal favourite: “Maybe you are setting your standards too high/being too picky/etc.” and so on.

These little zingers are usually followed by a self-absorbed exploration into their own world of what they were like before they met their wonderful husband, or how their “friend” met someone great online and that “maybe you should try the same site”, or better yet, a commentary is started about where you might meet the man of your dreams or what you could do to “put yourself out there”.

Keep Your Pity to Yourself..

I’ll let these well-meaning folks in on a little secret.. I’m not worried. And their comments reveal far more about their personality than they do about mine.

I know that these “well-meaning” folks do not mean to be hurtful, however they are the same ones who will thoughtlessly say to a woman who has just miscarried a child with immense private pain and grief: “well, the good news is that if it happened once, it can happen again” or “the miscarriage meant there was something wrong with it so it really is a blessing” or “so when can you try again?”.

Being happily single is a far better place to be than unhappily married/separated/divorced. I have seen far too many acquaintances who have pushed men away with their obvious desperation, or who have entered into marriage with the first man to ask them – or the wrong man – because they feared the stigma of single-hood over the fear of being stuck in a miserable marriage. I am not cynical, I have lots of friends in happy relationships, and I don’t resent them for it, I applaud them.

I resent the ignorance behind the above-noted comments.

If you are worried about me being single, then set me up with someone you think I could date(!).

My “too-picky” requirements run along these lines:

Someone who is relatively successful (read: gainfully employed and lives on his own), pleasant (read: can carry a conversation), no criminal record (self-explanatory), and above-average in looks and intelligence (read: good hygiene, takes care of himself, and doesn’t say things like “I seen this” and “I ain’t done that”).

The next time you want to offer advice or sympathy to your single friends, think about what you’re saying. You might be revealing far more about yourself than you realize..

Updated Info..

From a great blog I just found, “The Upside of Being SIngle” (emphasis mine) in part:

“It never fails that there’s a favorite aunt or uncle, maybe even your parents or friends, that wonder aloud why you’ve not settled down, met someone nice and married (or remarried). These loved ones mean well but what they don’t understand is the key to your being okay with “singlehood” is your strong Sense of Self.”

“…So now when that sweet Aunt Tilly queries aloud why Mr. Right hasn’t come along, I am empowered to smile with confidence and honestly say that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life…”

“…be at choice – live happily single!“